Enneagram Type 2
By Mary Lydia
When I first discovered the Enneagram, I skipped the chapters on type two. Grandma who organizes the church potlucks, got it. Well, grandma might be a two (or a six or a nine) but I am NOT grandma. “The Helper,” they call it… it sounds cheesy… a cheapening of the services that I provide to others.
There’s the *pride* - already - right there from the start - right there in everything. Keeping me submerged in my pattern; in my giving, and I mustn’t stop swimming… keeping me blind to the truth of who I am… like a fish, not knowing they’re in water.
Pride shines bright like a light, hiding all shadows.
Pride, that aims to blind, you and me.
My ego does not want me to share this. It feels like my identity will be annihilated. It is deeply shameful. It feels threatening to my very existence to tell you anything but good and positive traits about two.
The only reason I can muster the ability (a little type hack, s’il vous plait) is because it may serve you. Whether you’re finding your heart here in two (come on in dahling, your room is always ready!) or just trying to understand your loved ones… I give to you, the gift of seeing what’s behind pride’s blinding light.
Heart/Image
Type 2 is an image type or heart type. All image types have a deep feeling of shame and worthlessness. They’ve lost contact with their essential qualities in the heart center, yet are also over identified with this center. Heart types are driven and fueled by emotions yet are disconnected from their true hearts. They cast out an image out for you to see. Twos bestow upon you gifts, both tangible and intangible, so that you can see their heart which they believe is where their identity lies.
The passions are created by the ego of personality to compensate for and cover the underlying shame and identity issues in image types. The passion of 2 is pride. Pride is an integral part of their self-image and was born from an avoidance of feeling shame. Pride is an insidious and sneaky pattern. Pride covers itself with pride making it impossible to see. I’m not prideful; they actually need me. They actually can’t live without me. I am actually selfless. I am actually kind. There’s no pride. There is just existence as it is.
Type 3, which is somewhat adaptable and uses others to reflect back their self-image, makes some adjustments according to others feedback… 2 and 4, however, are not adaptable, and when they feel they’ve not accurately been reflected 4 will withdraw and further refine their self-image and 2 will give more of what they’re already giving. “You didn’t see that, I’ll do it again.” Rather than making any adjustment to their image. 2s and 4s do not “read the room” to determine the image that should be broadcasted. Their self-image is narrow and specific, only becoming more pigeon-holed with time.
If you have 2s in your life you may have had the experience of being offered something over and over until you accept. There may be a micro adjustment, oh you don’t want beer? May I get you a cocktail? How about some wine? The offers will continue until you concede. Your acceptance of some offering indicates that you’ve recognized the 2 as giving, seen their value, worth, and acknowledged your need of them.
This is an important distinction between attachment adaptation and relational. 2 is not an attachment type, but it is relational. Therefore, it does not waiver in its approach to be seen. 2’s want to keep you focused on their self image in a way that’s effective. For 2w3 they may try something to get you to see them in a certain light and then look at you to see if that’s working and if it’s not working they may move in another direction but the image that they're painting of themselves never changes, only their strategy to sell it to you does. The picture of themselves which they are painting for you never changes, even if the paint colors change slightly. 2w1 is more rigid and firm in their approaches.
4 and 2 have a very internally consistent view of themselves; 4 is always saying “I am not that.” 2 is always saying, “I am this. I am love. I am nurturing.”
I am often avoiding what feels like an emptiness in my heart. An inability to contact my own emotions. It sounds contradictory because I’m also told I wear my heart on my sleeve. I tear up at TV shows, kind words, the joy and pain of others… it’s like I’m always crying. And never crying. Because I can never contact the wounded places within myself.
When I try to peer inside my heart I see a cavity where one should be. And I quickly run to love you. An effort to fill the gaping hole.
How can it be? To feel like a heart with legs. A walking hug. And yet feel empty?
La Vie en Rose (Harmonic)
The Harmonic Triad outlines how the types deal with conflict and cope with emotional upsets. All types have a strategy which they employ as their primary form of emotional regulation. In other words, this is what restores “harmony” within them internally in times of stress and dis-regulation. Type 2, along with types 7 and 9 are in the positive outlook harmonic triad. You may also hear them referred to as pozzies. These types all have an optimistic attitude in the face of conflict and positively reframe problems and negative circumstances. Unlike other types these types utilize a denial of realism and negativity and they’re quite convincing, if only to themselves, of the rosy disposition of all circumstances.
Image types are often upset by external input that gets at their self image or sense of self and identity. These types of triggers access the image types’ underlying shame and sense of value. As a Positive Outlook Type with the Passion of Pride the 2 is also upset by suggestions that paint them in a negative light.
Being a relational type, 2s move toward others. They create an emotional landscape and take the focus off of self in order to attempt to get their emotional needs met by others. You may have heard the term “give to get” in relation to 2s. The 2 isn’t consciously aware of this mechanism. All negative feelings are disowned and positively reframed so that the 2 can cope with life. If things are not positive, I’m not okay. And further, if I can’t be positive and focus on others I cannot maintain my pride stance which is paramount to my operating system. Those who are sad and negative are needy. And those who are needy can’t be needed. When a 2 feels stressed and there’s no one to care for, they will seek out others compulsively to fill this void. Subsequently the 2 never focuses on self with conscious awareness and this can lead to further stress which is covered over by more doing and giving.
This positive reframe approach also shows up in terms of a defense against accusations made by others that are counter to a 2’s self image. If it is suggested by others that the 2’s motives were impure, not helpful, selfish, or malicious, a 2 will argue the opposite and justify its self image as accurate to the other as well as to themself.
Type 2 rejects all negative emotions as well as all personal emotions and needs. But they’re fueled and calmed by a perpetual hope to feel loved, seen, and valued.
Superego (Hornevian)
2, along with 1 and 6 are compliant types. Compliance in this sense does not mean these types never behave badly by conventional standards, but rather that they are compliant to (or guilt ridden) by their personal internal moral compass or superego. For type 2, this further supports their self-image of being kind, giving, and needed.
Superego types are utilizing their internal moral standards in order to justify their actions as right/good/pure/kind. These types feel that they have a higher calling and this calling dictates their internalized standards. For type 1 the calling is based around reformation. Type 6 feels it is called to find and illuminate truth. Type 2 feels it is called to bring love to the world.
I am always showing love by doing. As long as I’m moving… (by moving I mean doing for others/serving/being kind) I feel like I can be seen.
Like a heart shaped neon light… when it’s ionizing (movement) you can see it… it lights the sky. When it stops all is black.
This constant motion feels like all that is me so when I stop. The very moment I stop. I vanish. I cease to exist.
So it keeps me in this constant motion.
Motion directed at you that allows no room for thoughts or self-directed focus. If I focus on me, I can’t focus on you. So I’ll disappear.
And I can’t disappear. Because you’ll die without me.
The way 2 is casting out its image is through the scrambled instinctive center and feeling center. So to imagine oneself - one's very identity... as separate from what one is doing/feeling ... feels... like ego death. More threatening than death itself. I do not know who I am or how to *show* it without casting out this image.
This is so completely central to its structure that to even think of the question “Who Am I?” apart from what I give brings a deep existential dread and shame that the answer is nothing. I am nothing. This is the crux of the 2’s shame. That a heart that wants to be seen as only love and positivity may actually be filled with dark emptiness and completely void of love, and therefore unworthy of receiving love.
Dominant Affect (O.R.)
Type 2 is a rejection type along with types 5 and 8. Rejection types all expect to be rejected (below the surface) and in compensation they repress their own needs, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities and offer something instead to prevent rejection. This affect protects the 2 from feelings of worthlessness, not feeling valued, and feeling unlovable. “If I offer you something you will find me worthy of love.”
2 has rejected the guidance function and therefore over-identifies with the nurturing function. This results in disowning half of oneself, and amplifying the half that remains. On some level, deep in the psyche, 2s feel this loss and therefore feel they must offer something in compensation. For type 2 that is nurturing. It provides extra nurturing for what it lacks in guidance.
This means that regardless of what a situation calls for, 2s will bring only nurturing. I often describe this as showing up with a hug when a sledgehammer might be more appropriate. With double the nurturing, type 2s feel like The Ultimate Mother…the only mother. They mother everyone they possibly can and find opportunities to take in strays of all kinds as much as possible. They’re certain their love and nurturing can heal all of the broken beings in the world and fill them up and make them whole.
In order to provide nurturing to others, 2s must deny that they have any needs of their own. All rejection types feel they must maintain a stance of power. 2s create this power dynamic by creating dependencies and insuring you need them, as well as never needing others, which might place them in a powerless role. This type is particularly fascinating because they maintain their power through being of service. On the surface this appears to be a submissive stance, but type 2s are anything but meek and wilting.
2’s are not aware of their transactional approach. In fact, if you give back to a 2 in the way they give to you they’ll feel quite uncomfortable. They feel this is a role they are uniquely qualified for. What 2s are truly seeking through their giving is their essence they’ve lost contact with, which is true love without conditions. They often settle for gratitude and appreciation, though unfortunately it also encourages this transactional approach to relationships.
All of these components together create the perfect storm of an image of selfless nurturing giver, underscored by power, transactional giving, and pride.
2 is like masculine energy in impeccable drag. It looks pink and flowery. It’s overdoing the image of femininity. But there’s no true openness and receptivity. It’s forceful, penetrative, and controlling.
The thing I’ve really rejected is my own heart, my own feelings… I’ve offered it to you on a platter “selflessly” but beneath that it’s clear that there’s a vacancy, a gaping hole in my chest that I expect, nay demand, you to fill. My heart is yours, but only so long as I fill the cavity by possessing your heart. With mine estranged I cannot experience my own feelings. I cry over your pain. I smile from your joy. And if any of my own should manage to spill out from time to time I quickly clean them up and hide the evidence. “Honey, may I get you anything?”
And the consequence, one of many, is that you never actually get me. My heart on the platter was actually empty. Decorated with flowers; dripping with honey. I tell you I’m getting the short end of the stick. But I handed you a Trojan Horse filled with nothing. I tell you I give you everything. I tell you that you’ll die without me… that your heart beats because I squeeze it…
I cannot relinquish my power or then you’ll know the truth… (can I even utter it?) that I won’t feel, won’t survive, won’t exist… without you.
Holy Freedom
As the 2 ascends and begins to break free of the ego’s hold, it moves away from the passion of Pride and toward its Virtue of Holy Freedom or Holy Will. The reason 2’s are so invasive and always intervening and inserting themselves is because they feel that they must force positive outcomes and that others are dependent on their help, flattery, and encouragement. Their compulsion to help others is a poor substitute for identity. It leaves them with the inability to experience true Being when they are trapped in the ego of personality. When they reconnect to essence and begin to feel that they are love and that who they are is not based on services they provide, they can finally allow their true identity and sense of Being to emerge and relax into the ease of life that is not forced and filled with efforts. They recognize that they can help or not help, and life will still unfold and things will still progress with or without their tireless efforts. They reconnect to their true selves and allow others to do the same. They can then enjoy the natural unfolding of life and experience more rich emotional depth from themselves and others. As they release control and begin to flow with the organic divine unfolding, they experience true freedom.
Post Script
As my finger hovers over the send button after the millionth revision/addition… I feel like I have shared only a fraction of what’s me. How can you make a heart 2-dimensional? I convinced myself to write this by framing it as a service, but will you see me? Will you think I am kind enough? Loving enough? Did I give enough? Do you know how much I love you? Can you still love me if you know what lies beneath? I am gripped by shame… should I retract all of the negatives? Maybe at least counter it with more positives? I should delete the whole thing and talk only about the children and animals I care for…. Yet I am compelled by service— I can’t…this will be helpful. I truly believe finding what lies underneath our personality through the enneagram will save the world. An inadvertent type hack this time, my pattern creates a war with my pattern… and so I lay my tender heart bare and press save for a final time. Your gift now wrapped and tied with a pink bow.
