Enneagram 3w4
written by Bisou (3w4)
I am of the school of thought that holds that the 3’s passion is vanity and not deceit.
Vanity in 3w4s is seen in their pivotal need to express what feels like their special and unique nature outwardly, in a way that others will notice and admire. Their idealized fantasy self-image is inherently fused with their identity — to them it reflects the truest version of who they are. 3w4’s umbrella ambition is thus to turn the fantasy self into reality. 3w4s are enamored with their fantasy self and are compelled to express this deeply felt sense of themselves in a way that feels perfect by embodying their idealized self-image in the real world.
Yes, 3w4s do make compromises on the margins to make this happen, often to add some conventional appeal to their image based on prevailing social ideals — whether it’s something they value or just a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down — and do change sometimes in important ways in the process. The deceit isn’t that 3w4s enact an image that is not their own, that is lifted straight from the prevailing zeitgeist or God forbid, from their parents’ expectations. As adaptable as they are, a 3w4’s idealized self-image that stems from and fuses with their very identity as a person, serves as a type of True North. Evolution/transition/transformation happens based on changing perceptions of how they relate to their external environment and the need to present new and changing facets of their personality. Still, the original fantasy self is the genesis of their journey.
To the extent there is deceit it’s that successfully becoming your idealized self-image will lead to happiness and fulfillment. While that represents a vast improvement over the turmoil of feeling one is coming up short, feelings of emptiness and of wanting more tend to endure. 3w4s don’t suddenly exit ‘image construction’ mode upon some level of success and feel 24/7 full of magic and beauty like they imagined they would in their dreams. A gritty realism has taken hold, they may have lost the sense of romance their fantasy self used to engender. As is often the case, emotions are mixed. The stronger the 4 wing, the more negativity will consistently be in the mix.
Also the stronger the 4 wing, the more the 3w4 will vascillate between, and at times simultaneously identify with, their flawed self and their fantasy self. Holding such high internal standards necessarily throws into contrast perceived flaws and shortcomings and elevates them to the forefront of consciousness, leading to easily frustrated perfectionism. It is not uncommon for 3w4s to get into a flaw-obsessed state where perceived flaws, repulsive imperfections, and straight up rottenness overwhelms to the point that the flawed self temporarily supersedes the fantasy self as the primary source of identity. In either case, the flawed self and fantasy self are dynamically shifting and ever-present.
As Jase once complained about 3w4s, “You can’t whine like a loser and feel like a winner.” He is correct to point out that like all assertive types, 3s are ‘big ego predators’ with a voracious hunger egging them on to get what they want. The self-conscious, sometimes borderline precious nature of 3w4s can obscure their big ego intensity to some degree. While most 3w4s maintain a cool if not chilly poise, this charged mix of ‘winner’ and ‘loser’, feeling like the former and resenting any creep from the latter, can lead to overt moodiness and even over-dramatic or off-color outbursts.
(Sidenote but 3w4s seek full control over their narratives so any unwelcome external acknowledgement of or hints at the flawed self that do not align to the 3w4’s self-image will provoke enormous hostility.)
This highly charged internal polarity mixed with unrelenting standards, frustrated perfectionism, reactivity against perceived slights, and self-absorbed withdrawal into self-obsessed fantasies and/or self-indulgent self-hating may help answer the age old question, “Why are 3w4s so god foresakenly less pleasant to interact with than 3w2s?” Oh yeah, and they’re snobs.
3: Attachment, Competency, Assertive, Heart/Image
4: Frustration, Reactive, Withdrawn, Heart/Image
Please note: This video links to the old Goblin account to which we have lost access to. We will rebrand & reupload under Enneagod soon.
